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. John and I had been separated for the first seven months of my pregnancy. I was finishing up my course work at Emory University (in Atlanta), and John, navy lieutenant turned civilian, had just gotten a job at Amazon in Pennsylvania. I had been seeing doctors in Atlanta, of course, to monitor my pregnancy. By the fifth month, the doctors "discovered" that I have hypothyroidism (a disease I'd been diagnosed with 13 years earlier, so it was in my chart). I discovered that thyroid disease places one in a high risk category for pregnancy. For the safety of the child, I was required to go to the hospital three times per week so the nurses could examine Caleb's heart rate and movement. Though I had come to know and like the nursing staff and the OBGYN's at this hospital, I realized that my having some family in the room with me when I delivered was as important as liking the people who would deliver my child.

I decided to move to PA after I turned in my final paper. What you must understand is that this was a true act of faith on my part. I was beyond ready to end my relationship with John before I took the pregnancy test(s). By that time we had been together for 1.5 years, and I had suffered a myriad of indignities in the relationship. When I graduated from the University of Georgia with my Master's degree, he was unable to attend the ceremony because he was in New York at a hip-hop conference. Though he returned on the day that I graduated, he opted to get a hotel room and spend my graduation night with an old female friend who was celebrating her 29th birthday. In his camera I saw pictures of this woman's cleavage. When I asked him about it, he simply replied, "Sorry. I couldn't help myself." Despite what had happened the month before, I was fully prepared to do it up big for his 30th birthday. But instead of spending time with me, he went to a strip club with a friend of his, and ended up spending the night at some woman's house -- no phone call.

So, I was ready to leave him. However, I had been hard wired to avoid becoming a statistic. I was one of two people in my old neighborhood on the lower east side of NY to graduate from college. I was the only person in the hood to receive a graduate degree. I had moved out of the projects and into the ivory tower. Why should I now choose to become a "baby mama?"

I had heard of women who attempt to get pregnant when they know they are about to lose their significant other, in the hopes of rekindling some romance. I always thought they were stupid. But here I was, hoping that a child would change things between John and I. When I broke the news, J went out, bought a bottle of Crown Royal, and got sloppy drunk. He would not call me or visit me. For two days our conversations were limited to texts. It was rather an inauspicious start to our "new" relationship.

I felt beyond slighted. I recalled him telling me about his college girlfriend (who was his last girlfriend before I entered the scene) getting pregnant. He got all choked up when he got to the part where she had an abortion against HIS will. I wondered if it was the fact that this ex of his was the daughter of a millionaire (her father was the VP of CBS) that made him think he could handle the challenges of parenthood in his early twenties. Clearly he was not prepared for the responsibility in his early thirties.

All of this was operating in the background when I decided to go to PA. Immediately I was placed on bed rest because Caleb was not gaining weight. I was only allowed to get out of bed for my 3 weekly appointments. It was at one of these appointments, which had become the bane of my existence, that I was told that Caleb's heart rate was off. "How do you feel about having a baby today?" Uh...It was six weeks early, so I didn't feel too good about it at all. But there's nothing like no choice to make you do something. I was induced. Five hours later I had a baby.

Caleb spent a month in the NICU; I was released four days after delivery. I cried, well, like a baby when I had to leave him. I visited the hospital two to three times per day to feed and play with my baby. Unfortunately, Caleb wasn't able to maintain a normal body temperature, so I was only permitted to have him out of the incubator for 15 minutes at a time. When he was released, my son weighed a little over 3lbs. I had to sit in the back seat with him for even the shortest trips to ensure that he didn't stop breathing (doctor's orders).

When he gained enough weight (that it is to say when he was roughly 5lbs) for my fear to abate, I set myself on this ridiculous course to be the real life June Cleaver. My priorities were pumping milk for Caleb, fattening him up, keeping the house clean, cooking multiple course meals, and looking cute when my husband came home. What did I get for my efforts? One week after I had Caleb, John began asking how long it would take me to lose the weight. After I lost 20lbs (in 14 days!), he would tell me that if I wanted to be intimate with him I would have to "dress sexier." When I bought sexy pj's, he would tell me that he was too tired to "go there."

Still, I kept trying to be the best mother/wife I could be. Of course, I was totally sleep deprived; I only got a break from being awakened every two hours for feeding when I was extremely ill (twice in 7 months). Caleb's mouth was too small to latch on to my mountain-sized breasts, so I had to pump every two hours (and it took an hour to fill up a bottle) and feed Caleb every two hours (and it took an hour for him to finish a bottle). Still, I managed to achieve my goals everyday without fail. Except for one. I was taking a Directed Reading Course so that I would not be behind on my course work when I returned to Emory from my maternity leave. That fell by the wayside. How did Claire Huxtable manage to juggle 5 kids, a marriage, and a career?

There was a light at the end of the tunnel. John had decided not to renew his contract with Amazon. He wanted to keep the family together and get back into music production, so he quit his job in December and prepared to move back to Atlanta with Caleb and I in January. He had no job prospects, but we were confident that he would be able to find something in Atlanta. We were wrong...