Frustration

Can I just tell you how frustrating it is to have a non-verbal child who is nearly three years-old? Not only am I supremely overprotective of him when he is around "typical" children his age, I am also agitated that, as an educator, I can't reach him.

Caleb tries hard to communicate. He will grab my hand and take me to items or activities he wants to have or engage in. I've tried withholding those desired things from him with the hopes of getting him to "use his words," but to no avail.

Today he became frustrated in a way that I have never witnessed before. He wanted something. Not a dvd. Not a Pediasure. Not a toy. Something else. When I failed to provide that something he began stringing multiple consonants together and screaming. Whatever he is saying is an actual language to him. I have yet to learn it.

People tell me all the time that I should revel in this period. Once he starts talking, they say he'll never shut up. The fact is, I would love to know the sound of my child's voice when he speaks. Those people have no idea that I have dreams wherein I converse with Caleb. For that one moment between wake and sleep, I believe it actually happened. When I wipe the sleep from my eyes, I realize that I've awakened to a bad dream. One where I have no idea whether my child will be independent of me.

These are thoughts I am not supposed to have, but I do. I don't want to be raising an adult child twenty years from now. Although there are some very selfish reasons for that, I must say that there are legitimate reasons also. It is NOT the natural order of things. I want to give Caleb the best of me and see what he makes of it when he strikes out on his own. As a rule, parents outlive their children. How could one rest in peace knowing that her child is incapable of doing for himself?

I know I'm supposed to smile and say, "He'll be fine. I prayed about it," but I've prayed about a lot of things that God did not see fit to grant me for reasons only He knows. I don't know that my son will be fine...and the not knowing is killing me.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.